The Nightmares

I figured I'd have to say something sooner or later, and so I'll tell you a secret: I have really terrifying nightmares.

I know, most teenagers have problems; big ones, little ones, reoccurring ones, obnoxious ones, and the like. But me, I have some pretty scary ones. The kind that can't be slept out or cried out or talked out, but the ones that have taken root inside your soul - ones that truly affect the way you are and how you see things. Now you're probably going, "Okay, all right, what is she talking about? What does that have to do with anything?" The answer to that is this: The nightmares freak me out and they happen all the time. But they always end up with the same resolve - I'm alone, falling into nothingness, and I feel like I'm going to die. What always precedes that is either me being chased and I'm running for my life, or something's being taken from me and I can't do anything about it. That happens nearly every night, except for the ones where I can't sleep at all.

I don't know if it's my brain just dumping out all the stuff I ignore, or if it's my psyche screaming for some help. All I really want is for them to go away.

A Post for Zoey, My Amazing Best Friend.

Who's Teale's best friend? You already know the answer to that stupid question, Zoey. And just in case you already forgot, it's you. You're the only sister I asked for, the only person I know who puts up with me rain or shine, day or night, come hell or high water. You're always there, no matter what. I would never, and I mean never, be able to deal with someone like me the way you do. It's literally impossible for me to wrap my mind around the idea that I can rely on someone like I rely on you, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with people's shit without you around. You make me laugh at stuff whether it's random or relevant, and even though you might not be "socially acceptable" - meaning full of bullshit - you're phenomenal. You never pretend to be someone you aren't and you don't give a single fuck about what people say about you.

I promise you, even though I might disappear and I might give other people more of my time, I'll always come back, I'll always try to be here when you need me, and you'll always be my best friend. By always, I mean for-freaking-ever. Okay? No matter what.

You know, I hate having to leave the one person I can always rely on and leave home. I'm scared. I really am. I mean, what if no one accepts me? Obviously no one will accept me like you do. No one will be able to make me laugh at stuff like you do. No one will let me interrupt them while they were reading a book like you did. But mostly, no one will forgive me like you did, after I left and disappeared on them. Honestly, what I'm just trying to say is, I'll never have another friend like you. Ever.

-Teale

Well, hello again.

I know I've spent the last four months... Away, but I actually miss this old blog of mine. I miss being free to say whatever the hell I want, whenever I want to. I know I already do that a lot in person, however I never really get to say anything meaningful when I'm around other people. This is really the only place I can do that.

There are really a ton of things I want to say, but I don't know which should come first.

Eh, I'll just start with saying that I'm a very different person than I used to be. When I moved back here to Okinawa in eighth grade, I was some Disney-obsessed, awkward, twelve year old, just trying to fit in because I thought that doing that would make me feel useful and wanted and happy. But it made me void, in a sense. I was a misprinted carbon-copy of a middle school girl, just going with the crowd and doing and wanting whatever everyone else did. I just wanted someplace to belong, and people to like me. I sacrificed a lot of myself to be "with" all the people around me.

Freshman year, I was alright with my life for a while, and then I just turned back into my old self. Looking for approval through hanging out with "popular" girls and just dropping my best friend because she wasn't "popular". I walked away from Zoey and didn't care about anyone but myself and keeping up with the "socially acceptable" girls that had everything I thought I wanted. Then somewhere I realized the girl looking back at me in the mirror wasn't me at all, it was some dipshit trying to be something she wasn't. So I made things right, got back to the things and people that made me happy and didn't expect me to be anyone. Life was peachy for a while, let me tell you.

Flash forward to this past year, sophomore year, and stuff was great. I had my favorite teacher once again, did some theatre stuff, and bopped around school doing what I wanted to do. Lost some friends for the better, made some friends for worse, met (and almost loved) a guy who wasn't who he said he was, made up with Ryan for the better, and up until a few months ago, it was alright with me. But then life started feeling so... Empty. Like I was just alive and not really living my life. Like I was just another high school kid doing whatever for no reason at all. And then, after thinking about it for a long time, I came to a couple of realizations: 1) The quirky, geeky, creative girl I am when I'm alone was not there in the person I was at school. 2) If I'm the girl who says whatever and isn't afraid to say anything, then why are there so many things that I was fine leaving unsaid?  Which led me to the fact that I was hiding myself from the world because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of having everyone see that I'm a mess and that I really don't know what to do with myself half of the time. I didn't want people to give people a chance to see anything that really makes me who I am.

So I've decided two things: 1) I'm going to just be me. I'm going to dance in the rain, sing everywhere, cry because I'm sad and it's all I can do, laugh at things I think are funny, I'm going to tell people how I feel about them,  I'm just going to do and be me, and no one is going to stop me.  2) When I get to the place that I'm moving to at the end of August, I'm going to start videoblogging about anything and everything. And It's going to be just me. Uncensored, unedited, unpolished, geeky, crazy, strange, creative, dramatic, quirky me. So that way you guys can actually see who and what I am. if you're cool with it, then that's awesome. If you're confused, I understand. If you want me to just stop writing already, then I will. :)

- Teale

Tumblr.

So, I'm on Tumblr. I know some people are opposed to it, but I really enjoy it. I know I don't post as much on here anymore, because of my novel-in-progress and other things, but if you want to keep up with me more frequently then you should follow me :)

It'sTealeLove on Tumblr

A Lonely Road

I stand here alone,
On this road that leads to
Nowhere,
Almost consumed by wants and hopes and fears.
No destination to choose,
No decision to make,
Just have to keep walking.
But to where?
For what?
There’s no point in taking this road to nowhere,
But to walk this lonely road is my destiny.
I can’t believe I was created to go nowhere,
Do nothing,
Be nobody.
I always dreamed I’d leave this road,
Be somebody,
Go somewhere.
Yet I can’t.
To walk this lonely road is my destiny.

Novelizing

Because of the new year and all, I've made the decision to start composing a novel. And I know I'm lacking in the blog post department, but the novel itself feels like it's worth something, and it has become really worthwhile for me. I never really write lengthy things, I'm just short, sweet, and to the point, so having to detail my writing a bit more has been kind of hard... But all in all, it's going amazingly. I'm really enjoying building these characters in my head, and then having to create their personalities and quirks and drawing quick sketches of scenes and things.

I'm not going to tell you that much now, because I'm trying to keep it in my head for a little while to prevent a drastic change in the way the characters are and how they act, and the story - I just want to keep to myself for now... Maybe once it gets about 10 chapters or so long, I'll post an excerpt. ;)

Until then, this post is all the information you're going to have. I'll keep my novel progress posted at the bottoms of my posts. I promise you, it will be worth your time. - Teale